Intimate Partner Violence

Bleeding Love

“Abujubuju, sweetie, honey, my love,” are known to be popular pet names for lovers. The Rome-os who enjoy warm hugs from their Juliets during winter as the rest of us scramble for heavy jackets and hot coffee. These pet names often manifest in the early stages of a relationship famously known as the “honeymoon phase”. During this phase, love is not only blind but also deaf and dumb. The constant desire to breathe nose to nose with the love of your life, to watch them as they sleep, to shower them with words of affirmation and any cheap thrill you find lying around, to bless them with kisses at every turn and to take them on extravagant dinner dates and staycations. For some couples, they even start sneezing together in unison. Wow! Isn’t love a beautiful thing?

However, it baffles me how such a strong bond chained with an intimate connection can one day be the death of you. How a happily ever after can turn to be a happily never after? How the love of your life can be the taker of your life? How can this once sweet love bleed into violence? In the recent past, the cases of intimate partner homicides have risen drastically, especially in our beloved motherland, Kenya. To quote some trending incidences, “a Kenyatta University student June Jerop died from excessive bleeding after being allegedly stabbed by her boyfriend”, “a Nakuru woman arrested for stabbing her husband in the chest with a kitchen knife” and finally DJ Brownskin’s trending video of his wife taking poison in the presence of the children. It is easy to claim that such a thing cannot and will never happen to you. However, you would be shocked; this menace has attacked even our very own celebrities such as the late designer, Edwin Chiloba; news anchor, Ann Kiguta and musician, Kush Tracey. This leaves me scratching my head in wonder, is love no longer a game of kisses but a contest of killings?

According to research done on intimate partner violence, worldwide, over 30% of ever-partnered women aged 15 years and above have reported being victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse. In Kenya, it shows an average of 1181 women and 329 men in Kenya are victims of intimate partner homicides every year. Evidently, we are all prey. In an interview with a surviving victim of a violent intimate relationship, Nataly Abwao, she said that it all started with the charming honeymoon phase. It was full of movie nights, bae-cations and vacations, never-ending road trips and very expensive gifts. Before they moved in together with her current ex-boyfriend, he told her that he grew up with an abusive father who used to beat up his mother. This made him hate violence and he promised never to be like his father. One month after moving in, he got a very high-paying job. This is when all the demise began.

He came home as late as 3 am in the morning. He began being too possessive. Suddenly, he started being very jealous to the point he locked her in the house when he went to work. She assumed it was just pressure from work. But woe and behold! Like father, like son. One Friday evening, he got home at around midnight. Nataly decided enough is enough and made an attempt to question her “loving” boyfriend on his whereabouts but she was shocked to receive a hot slap that was accompanied by belt whips. She really cried that night. However, the next morning, he apologized deeply and even made her breakfast in bed. The sweet charms made her fall into his trap again. The next time they went for an evening Sunday brunch, one of her male classmates found them leaving the restaurant. He stretched for a friendly hug and she extended back the hug warmly, not knowing it would be the cause of the everlasting scar on her forehead. That night, he whipped her mercilessly. He claimed that she disrespected him by hugging another man in front of him. Once again, the next morning, she was flown to the amazing Island of Zanzibar as an apology trip to soothe her bleeding soul. And once again, she gave in and convinced herself, “he is a good man and I know I can change him. I just need to be patient”. But this time, patience only paid punishment.

The final straw hit on Monday evening when she came from a lecture that had extended to 8 pm. She found he had trashed the whole house. He thought she had been out with another man and he was furious. He quickly closed the door and whispered in her ears, “Even God can’t save you today”. He tore her dress with a kitchen knife and took her to the bathroom. He opened the cold shower and began whipping her with his brown leather belt. Her screams are what prompted the neighbours to come to break the door and save her from the animal of a man. From that day she never went back to him again, in her words, “I had to choose my life, self-peace and mental health over a toxic relationship”. Luckily she survived the whole ordeal and she is now an independent lady working at a local KFC outlet. The story of Nataly Abwao makes one rethink the whole concept of love. One can easily perceive that for once, the dictionary definition was wrong. It was so amazing how the devil could smile like an angel and deceive her into giving him a part of her heart, mind, body and soul. The shake in her voice could tell you she was still broken. She was now scared of men. She was surviving but she was still bleeding love. This pushed me to seek a professional perspective. Could all these be explained scientifically?

This led to my next interview with Dr. Priscillah Mugambi, a psychologist and mental health enthusiast who said that the current generation of youths is quick to sexualize their relationship. They do not take time to build a genuine connection. They dive quickly into intimate relationships and also believe they can dive out as easily and as fast as they dived in. Consequently, when they want the freedom to leave, they end up hurting each other physically and bruising themselves emotionally. She added that in some instances, some are sexually driven into an intimate relationship but are not emotionally ready to settle down. Therefore, they end up hurting their partners. This is not only cruel but also very sad. She further reported that in rare cases, the background of a person greatly influences the future perspective of a person in a relationship. For instance, if one has a violent father, one is likely to end up having a son who is hostile toward women.

From the insight given by Dr. Mugambi, it is evident beyond reasonable doubt that this is an emotionally broken generation. A generation that perceives to know what love is. On the other hand, confuses the thin line between passion and infatuation with true love. To the hopeful souls out there who remain to be ambassadors of love, all hope is not lost. You are the mercenaries that will carry the sweetness of love to the generations to come. However, this goes without saying, this generation needs to heal because we need love. Love that is tender and cares. Love that is sweet. So take a moment, hold your “sweetie” or “darling” and tell her you love her and you will not hurt her emotionally, mentally, physically or in any other way. Finally, to quote the words of the famous Kenyan musician, Willy Paul, “Love is a beautiful thing”. Love does not bleed!