Surviving Toxic Masculinity
My Journey Through the Kenyan Man-o-sphere
Torn by the gap between expectations and reality Kenyan men are struggling more than ever to define what kind of men they want to be. A study of suicide done globally by the WHO (World Health Organization) in 2019 showed that Africa carries the highest rate of age-standardized suicide in the world at 11.2 per 100,00. In Kenya the rate is at at 6.1 per 100,00 with the ratio of male to female suicide standing at 3:1. Men are 3 times more likely to kill themselves than women. According to CBT Kenya’s website a counselling center located in the Nairobi suburb of Hurlingham. The struggle with depression and suicide in men can be traced back to the cultural expectations that men are expected to bear in Kenyan society.
But what exactly are these expectations? And what do men have to say about them? I began by talking to Silas Nyancwhani an author and journalist whose works focus on being a man in 21st century Kenya. According to Silas a man’s primary role is to protect. “There’s a Kamba saying that says if a child is playing and there’s a snake, the mother and father are there. The father will run to get a stick to beat the snake but the mother will run to the child. For the man the primary role is to protect both the mother and the child but the mother will protect the child. That’s how it works. We shouldn’t look at it as if when men are less expressive or emotional it’s toxic masculinity We need to embrace how we’ve been made through evolution and through God." However, he also believes that seeking help is not unmanly “It wouldn’t make you less of a man to seek help but we shouldn’t tell men if they don’t seek help it’s because of toxic masculinity.”
While in conversation with Silas I noted while there’s a willingness to acknowledge male vulnerability. The way in which masculinity is defined remains rigid. Wesley, a student of international relations and diplomacy at Riara University, shares a vision of masculinity similar to that of Silas. “I believe that there’s two sides to masculinity: the activities side and the identities side. In 2022 women have been empowered. Way back it was only men who provided food, shelter and housing but now we have women who can pay rent and pay bills. They're comfortable. Identity is about authority; the nature of man is authority.” He believes the primary cause of the “masculinity crisis” is a crisis of confidence. When I asked what is the biggest issue with today's men he said “Every man is a cripple, you have to find where you're crippled and work on it. Some men are crippled by their birth, others by their situation or their mental health. But being crippled isn’t the root of the problem, empowerment of women is not the root of the problem, drugs aren't the root of the problem. Lack of confidence is the real root of the problem. Instead of complaining about how your sister is being empowered or your wife is earning more than you at work make yourself better.”
Wesley first encountered these ideas in late 2022 at a Men of Valor conference. The conference was organised by Robert Burale, a motivational speaker and preacher who is part of a new generation of figures who’ve amassed a following and popularity online by discussing men’s issues. From the well intentioned to the extremely misogynistic these figures exist on a wide spectrum online.
Figures like Amerix have become popular through combining misogynistic rhetoric with common sense advice on health and fitness. Posts on the Warriors his telegram group with a subscriber base of 102,000 followers range from advice on diet and exercise to posts urging men to reject feminine chaos and embrace masculine order. One of the main rules of the group is patriarchy is order and men must embrace order. There is a clear intellectual influence from the western red pill/manosphere movement. Ideas such as the war between feminine chaos and masculine order have been popularized by Jordan Peterson. There are also plenty of ideas taken from Jack Donovan, the MGTOW movement and other influential figures in this space. Pointing to a larger trend of convergence between Western and African ideas of masculinity.
But what my conversations and research have shown me is that a lot of young men today feel confused and alienated in modern society. Talking to Phil Mbira he described his frustrating experience in an outreach program “When we were debriefing after an afternoon with the kids. We were talking about how there’s a strong culture around girls and empowerment and organizations that are keen on girl empowerment. There’s a huge gap a huge lacking when it comes to doing the same for young men, young boys.” In the gap where real guidance should exist young men and boys are now getting their advice online from figures like Andrew Tate and Amerix. In these online spaces many young lost men are finding a sense of purpose, brotherhood and connection that has eluded them so far.
But far from being the solution to their problems these figures have become masters at weaponizing male insecurity for their financial and social benefit Fanning a wave of vitriolic spite that is often directed at women online. While it’s clear that new generations of Kenyan men are struggling to find their place in the modern world. A throwback to the masculinity of the past feels like a path to nowhere. In order to find a way forward a critical and open conversation must be had about what does it mean to be a man today? .
The Unseen Podcast
by Click Media

The Boy in Heels
Photography by Lusi Mbira
Interview by Judd Mutua
Throughout the interview and research process for this project, I’ve encountered a very specific idea of what it means to be a man and the kind of problems that plagues modern men. But in a world as diverse and differing as ours there will always be people who see things differently. Kelvin Mwendwa is one of those people. And in a country where difference is punished, it’s important to listen to different perspectives with openness and empathy.
Tell me a little bit about yourself and your background.
I’m Kelvin Mwendwa an effeminate (since birth) young man who isn’t shy about expressing my true self. Growing up I’ve been to different schools and town cause of the nature of my parent’s jobs though I did transfer to a school in high school cause of the bullying which involved slander.
In primary school I would be longing for the breaks to go play with the girls things like Kati-which I was a pro by the way, there was another one we would dig a hole and small stones were the main key tool (don’t remember the name😂). In short, there was no single day I ever found myself playing with the boys, NONE! and that’s not to say I wasn’t surrounded by many. (I have a very masculine brother by the way)
I never questioned myself up until like class six upwards. The names they’d call me were Kasichana, hermaphrodite, Semenya e.t.c in school. Worse was “ bad omen or cursed” by adults outside school. I’d cry a lot to God asking why I was like this but that never changed me or the bullying. Way forward to high school, it was worse. I tried suicide twice but eventually, when I explained to my mother she was like “I love you, my child”. That gave me the courage to at least start making friends because it was boy school but still the harassment continued. At worst, by refusing to have sexual relations with these boys they’d connive with those who just hated effeminate boys(cause we were several in school) and slander us -they created stories that made us seem like we were creeps who would go to their beds at night.. it was sickening In short I’ve grown through bullying and harassment all my life.
I’m a former fashion student (didn’t manage to graduate). Out here I’m a fashion stylist and digital creator. I’m also a drag queen -Sisi Chaunt -I’ve done more than 5 successful shows already.
What was your inspiration for the photoshoot?
It’s a straightforward message about freedom of expression. In a society that shuns effeminate men or masculine women, the heels depict liberation. Being half naked was to show how I’ve been stripped of my own identity but still ended up being me. Being effeminate does not mean I want to be a woman nor can I take that power from women, absolutely not. The big amazing things women do I’m not capable.
It just means that I Kelvin loves a good pair of comfortable heels after all I was given beautiful legs to fit. Lastly, I tend to find it laughable that growing up I was often called Kasichana(little girl) and now that I’m living flamboyant they turn around to make a monster of me.
Recently there's been this huge backlash locally against LGBTIQ culture and anything that goes against gender-conforming norms. What do you think is inspiring this backlash?
It’s basically politicians pushing the whole thing because they want to offset their accountability to the public. The economy is hard on its citizens and 98% of the chosen politicians are doing nothing in their chosen counties but talks. If you asked the Kaluma guy to give you receipts of the works done and ongoing for his chosen constituency he’d given nothing. He was chosen to public officer by people of different backgrounds and now wants to run it like his household.
The other fact is that Kenyans are the most hypocritical people. They do things to get approval from society just like social media these days but behind doors who knows their wicked ways. I personally don’t believe I’m abnormal and just because someone comes to the public to condemn me and claim to be a better human (ati a moral citizen) doesn’t mean we should believe it.
The person could be a serial killer or worse! I’m a believer and it’s always those who want to show how faithful they are in public doing the most callous things behind doors. Only God can question my faithfulness to him, not a human being.
What advice would you give to other young men who are unable or struggling to express themselves because they're feeling the constant pressure to conform to society's idea of a man?
I’ve been asked this question before and when I think about it from my personal perspective it’s a hard one to answer. My advice would to be first ensure their safety because I wouldn’t want to give them the idea that it’s easy. I’m an indoor person myself and only go to safe spaces being my true authentic self. They should choose friends who are comfortable with them being themselves and cut off any negative energy from their lives.

Lusi Mbira and Kelvin Mwendwa are planning an art showcase for the Boy in Heels catch them on Instagram at lusi_d_reams and Sisi Chaunt




